Ace Owens & Johnny Jobber vs. Ronnie Pearl


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Johnny is in the ring warming up in his white trunks, green and yellow ring jacket, yellow knee pads and white boots when he’s joined by Ace Owens, also in white trunks, yellow knee pads and white boots. Johnny reaches out and shakes Ace’s hand, telling him how glad he is to see him. He tells Ace how he’s been getting his ass kicked in every match and really needs some lessons. A more intelligent man would learn how to wrestle before stepping into the ring or onto the mats. Then again, a more intelligent man wouldn’t use “Jobber” as his last name when he’s a wrestler. 

Ace works on three basic moves with Johnny, the hammerlock, arm twist and headlock. These are moves most five-year-old kids know how to do just from watching pro wrestling on TV. We must wonder why Johnny doesn’t already know these, but Johnny isn’t the smartest wrestler at W4H. Then again, he isn’t much of a wrestler. Most all of his opponents have used him as a practice dummy. We also wonder why Johnny is getting lessons from Ace. Ace is hot as hell and knows wrestling, but he doesn’t have the most impressive win-loss record here at W4H. It’s better than Johnny’s, but then again, so is everyone else’s. 

After working on their three holds, Ronnie Pearl enters the ring like a bolt of lightning. He’s looking sexy as f**k in his all black as he goes after both jobbers, screaming out, “CLASS IS IN SESSION, ROOKIES!!!” The brutality begins. Ronnie loves dominating his opponents and this match is no exception. There is little doubt that Ace and Johnny will be Ronnie’s bitches before the match is over. Ronnie goes back-and-forth from one jobber to the other, even body slamming Johnny onto Ace. Trying not to show any favoritism, Ronnie then slams Ace onto Johnny. That’s gotta hurt! The punishment of these two wimps just goes on and on. Ronnie shows no mercy. Poor Johnny never even gets his ring jacket off. He does manage to get it unzipped, revealing his 10 or 12 chest hairs, but it never comes off. 

Ronnie is relentless in his attack, continually aggressive with his fierce – and sometimes inhuman – treatment of Ace and Johnny. He definitely is cold-blooded in his treatment of these punks and teaches them a lesson they won’t soon forget, assuming they don’t mentally block out all memories of this savage attack. Ace and Johnny spend much of the match rolling on the ring mat screaming and moaning in pain. It’s our belief that Johnny should seek wrestling lessons from someone with more experience than Ace. That or give up wrestling and get a job flipping burgers at his local fast-food joint. We also believe Ace should take some lessons himself. Ace shows some potential, but we doubt he’s going to be anxious to step into the ring again anytime soon after this humiliating and painful defeat. As Ronnie exits the ring, we can’t help but notice that he isn’t even sweating. He’s tossed these two jobbers around like sacks of potatoes and hasn’t even worked up a sweat. We just hope Ronnie doesn’t come into the office and beat on any of us the way he did on these two pushovers. 

TOTAL RUN-TIME: 21 minutes, 37 seconds

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