Max Quivers vs. Johnny Jobber (Wrestler For Hire)
What is wrong with Johnny Jobber? Was he deprived of oxygen at birth? Has he suffered brain damage from too many piledrivers? Is he a masochist? Who knows, maybe he just likes getting his ass kicked. Regardless, this punk has the appropriate name. He’s a total jobber and all the wrestlers in Wrestler4hire know it. They know that a match with him is an easy victory. Max Quivers most definitely knows it and he wants nothing more than to punish and humiliate our company jobber.
Johnny makes his first mistake by arriving late for the match. Max is pacing back and forth in his suit, tie, and mask when Johnny finally walks through the door. He makes some lame excuse about being caught in traffic. Has he never driven before? Does he not realize that there is heavy traffic on the roads? Maybe he is as much of a jobber at driving as he is at wrestling. Let’s face reality, the only thing even more lame than Johnny’s ability to make excuses is his ability to wrestle. Max is clearly annoyed at the late arrival and advises Johnny to stretch before the match. Johnny makes the mistake of using Max’s shoulder to balance himself while he stretches. Max quickly smacks Johnny’s hand away, causing Johnny to put his hands up and say he’s sorry. Too late, Johnny. Max grabs him by the throat and shoves him against the wall, choking the jobber until his face turns red. He’s then thrown down to the mats and subjected to some serious humiliation when Max pulls Johnny’s shirt over his head, leaving him unable to see anything. Max does show some compassion and removes Johnny’s shirt for him. He orders to Johnny to stay down on the mats. An obviously scared Johnny says, “Okay, I’ll stay down. Whatever you want!” Max grabs him and bends him like a horseshoe while telling him he should have stretched. Stretching is the least of his worries. What he should have done is stayed home and never agreed to wrestle this beast.
Johnny is subjected to some serious pain. He’s pulled up by the hair and thrown face-first into the wall several times. Fortunately for him, there are mats against the wall to absorb some of the impact. He’s then spun around and subjected to some excruciating shots to his gut. What comes next makes the shots to his gut seem easy. Max delivers a powerful kick right to Johnny’s nuts, causing him to scream out as he falls down to the mats. After using his tie to choke our jobber, Max pulls off his tie and suit jacket. Johnny’s head hits the wall with such force that he’s seeing more stars than Wile E. Coyote does when an anvil lands on his head in a Bugs Bunny cartoon. This jobber is in serious pain and it shows. A figure-four head scissors by Max has Johnny’s face a bright red. Max then moves his punishment south and seriously nails Johnny’s manhood. No doubt that poor Johnny will be singing high soprano after that much punishment to his package. Max inflicts some more punishment before he starts screaming about how stupid Johnny is, all while pulling down the jobber’s singlet and tying his feet with it. He then yells, “Get up, stupid!” Johnny struggles to his feet, not an easy task with his feet tied with his singlet. Before he is even able to gain his balance, Max shoves him into the wall, causing him to land hard on the mats.
Max does have a soft side to him and compassionately asks Johnny if he’s okay. A smarter man would have said no and given up. Johnny wasn’t that smart and said, “Yeah, I’m okay.” Big mistake, jobber boy. BIG mistake. Still with his feet tied, Johnny is subjected to more abuse, including a painful full nelson. Making another mistake, he manages to escape the full nelson. Given that his feet are tied and he has no way to escape, start an offense, or even defend himself, why would he want to piss-off his much larger and already dominant opponent? Max wastes no time in slamming Johnny into an over-the-knee backbreaker and adding in a few elbow smashes to the gut for added fun. Our jobber is laying
on the mat in his skimpy baby blue trunks and his feet still tied. Max arrogantly puts one hand on Johnny’s chest and makes the three-count. Johnny does show he’s got some intelligence and keeps his shoulders on the mat. We would hate to see what would have happened had he been dumb enough to try to kick out of the pin. Johnny does manage to free his feet from being tied up, but the singlet is still dangling from one leg. Max is screaming that he paid for the best of three as Johnny gets up and says he can go with the best of them, all while stumbling more than a drunk after spending all night in a bar. This boy just doesn’t have a clue. An abdominal stretch shows Johnny’s soft belly hanging down. Max adds some punishment with a knuckle in the side, a claw to the gut, and a rake of his nails across that soft belly. Johnny refuses to submit when told to do so, further angering this giant heel.
What did we say earlier about how we would hate to see what would happen if Johnny was dumb enough to try to kick out of pin? Well, we are about to find out. Max goes for another three-count, only to have the pathetic jobber pull up his shoulder and throw Max’s hand off his chest. This boy has definitely hit his head one too many times. He should have taken the pin and left with his tail between his legs. Let’s face it, his win-loss record is completely one-sided: all loses. One more won’t matter. Max delivers some powerful shots to Johnny’s head and Johnny stutters trying to find words to explain why he didn’t take the pin. Max yanks him up by the hair and gives Johnny the rest he so badly needs. Yes, he puts the jobber out with a sleeper. His nap is a short one as Max delivers a powerful kick to his gut, violently waking the sleeping jobber. By our count, Max has three-count and one knock out with a sleeper. In best two-out-of-three falls match, he has won. Max doesn’t seem content with that and pulls Johnny up for more punishment. Proving his continued jobber status, Johnny tried valiantly to fight back. This is, of course, another dumb move and his face is met hard with Max’s boot. He’s then kicked until he rolls over and subjected to one of the most painful wedgies we’ve ever seen when Max pulls the back of his trunks all the way up to his neck. Max finally lets go and the trunks snap back like a rubber band. Poor Johnny will need a crowbar to pull those trunks out of his ass.
A reverse choke and powerful DDT have our jobber flat on his back once again. As he lays there barely conscious, big Max goes for another pin. Johnny must have suffered a concussion at some point in the match because he stupidly kicks out of the three-count again. This causes Max to slam Johnny’s head into the mat and grab his trunks for another wedgie. Johnny gets pulled up and slammed down in an unbelievable piledriver. Max grabs Johnny’s arms, crosses them on his chest, puts his junk in Johnny’s face and goes for the three-count one more time. Johnny refuses to accept the loss and kicks out once again at the two-count. Infuriated, Max grabs Johnny’s trunks one more time, but this time in a reverse-wedgie. Johnny gets choked out again, ultimately ending the match. Max smacks Johnny across the face to wake him, pulls him by the hair, and applies one more wedgie before leaving. Our jobber is left face-down on the mat with his trunks pulled so far up his ass that they may never come out.
Once he regains his composure, he’ll be reaching for a bottle of Excedrin for sure. He’s been viciously abused in this match and will be in pain for days to come. That’s what happens when a jobber agrees to match with clearly superior wrestler. Of course, if he didn’t, he wouldn’t be a jobber, would he? Maybe Johnny will get lucky next time and his car will breakdown on the way to his next match. If so, he won’t have to suffer such pain, punishment, and humiliation.
Total Run-time: 19 minutes, 34 seconds